This post is dedicated to few of my friends who have recently lost their First Love. May God be with them in their hour of agony. Amen….
Looks like today I am turning into a sort of Agony Uncle. But I think that by writing this I have some kind of a healing medicine to give to many broken hearts and many people who have recently or at a considerable about of time back lost their first love.
Having your first breakup I like going inside hell no knowing whether you can come out of it or not, especially when circumstances beyond your ken forced the failure and the demise (not necessarily both and not in the same order) of your first romantic adventure. I have been through this gruesome experience myself and today I am candid enough to say that the battle to forget my forgone adventures is far from over, although I have come a lot way ahead in this one and half year long war.
So for all you who are feeling sad and dejected, I will give you few points out of my own book of life, hoping that it might help you deal with your loss in a considerate, if not effective manner:
- First of all accept the reality, you have to realise that its over, that he/she isn’t going to come back into your life anymore. It might take some consoling to your ego to accept this but you have to swallow the truth no matter what. Its gone, over. Straight talk.
- Don’t rush in. Time is the best healer. You can’t forget that beautiful emotion in just one blow. Moving on, especially after your first breakup needs time, and lots of time. When I say lots, its not just about a month or few. Sometimes it takes a few years to wipe out the entire experience, both the good and the bad, for good.
- This is not the end of your love life. This is not the first time ever you lost something in your life. During your childhood days we lost so many of our favourite toys, pencils and stuff which used to be our world back in those days. Now don’t say that this is something bigger than all those, because as your grow older, your successes and happiness' get bigger, and so does your losses. Although first love comes but once in our lives, but love will come, one day or the other.
- Be practical. Remove him/her from all your social networking sites and clients. Delete that number from your cellphone. Never ever contact them, call, text or IM them. Remember, digging out old graves will only show you dead bodies, they wont come back to life, ever. Throw away anything that he/she gave you. Those things may bring back memories that you don’t want to remember. Avoid love songs and romantic movies for some days.
- The loss was theirs, not yours. You lost someone who didn’t love you or commit to you, they lost someone who loved them immensely. Don’t feel humiliated or ashamed that you got bluffed or cheated (for those of you who did get so). You did what was right, and no matter how much deeply you loved him/her, he/she didn’t ever try to realise and respect this. Its better to be single and without your love, than let your love be disrespected by the one you love.
- Also, you can’t ignore the fact that one hand alone can’t produce a clap. Somewhere down the lane, even you didn’t do what was pragmatic and what should have been done at many points of time in the course of your relationship. After you get enough emotional strength. try to do a stoic post-mortem (only if and when you think you are capable to do it) of your relationship and of the days leading upto its fall. We are humans, we do make mistakes, and improving ourselves is what can make us better in future, even in our future relationships.
- Avoid your ex (yes that’s what he/she is to you from now), the more you both come in front of each other, the more sparks your emotions will create. If you can’t avoid your ex, try being professional with the person, say a hi or ask him/her about his/her work, don’t ever talk about your relationship. If you two choose to remain friends, draw the line.
- Don’t keep grudges. And trust me this can be catastrophic for you emotionally. Don’t become filmy and fantasise about destroying your ex’s life or making it hell, because playing with fire will only lead to more burning of your own self. Let bygones be bygones, better to leave thinking about people who have no relevance in your life anymore.
Do not look at their photographs and other things that may remind you of them.
- Make a list of things that you hate about your ex. There are definitely going to be many negative ones, and tell yourself that those were the reasons it didn't work out. Next time whenever you feel the pain of the loss and your heart asks "why this happened?" read that list. Be as near to reality and pragmatism as possible.
- Take up a hobby (I started blogging after my breakup), and give your best to pursue it. Focus on your career, because its one of the few things that will remain with you forever. Lean back to family and make few great friends (like I have, in fact I have 6 of them). Hang out with them, go places, socialise. Keep yourself busy. Your own life is far too important for you to waste it on people who had no importance for it.
- Focus on yourself. Keep yourself physically and emotionally fit to face the challenges and pleasures future holds for you. For physical fitness, go for exercises and yoga and stuff like those, they go a long way in making you move on too, trust me. Give yourself some alone time, take your care as you used to take of your ex. Talk to yourself, ask yourself about your needs and fulfil them. Remember, true love comes to those who have truly loved themselves.
- Do not rebound. Just because you broke up today doesn’t mean you need to prove yourself how capable you are by going out with someone else the next day. It just exposes how weak you are emotionally. Take time, just like you rest after a day’s hard work. Tell you heart, “You deserve a rest champ!”. My ex did the same thing and now she’s regretting (although she’s too bitchy to admit that).
- Remember, someone somewhere is definitely destined for you. Its true, I can back this point up with many examples where people who failed in love on not just one, rather on multiple occasions, finally found true love. So, there is no point in running around finding love. Afterall, we need only one person to love us in this world to make our life beautiful, right? And obviously he/she is worth our wait.
- Get to know yourself. Find out what you have and what your partner should have. Make a list of criteria that your partner should satisfy and stick to it. It will ultimately help you one day. Afterall, we all need happiness in love too.
- Do not stop believing in love. Love exists, and no matter what you think, you cannot deny the truth. You weren’t lucky enough to retain it longer but that doesn’t mean love is an illusion. Do not get filmy and all melodramatic about love. Life isn’t a movie.
I am not a relationship counsellor dear reader, I just told what I experienced over the last one and half years of my life. Breakup sucks, especially the first time, I admit it. But we have to be stronger than our sorrows. We have to prove God that we were worthy of being born as humans.
Those of us who say God gives us lots of problems and not many others, I say to them that its the sole proof that we are lucky. Because it proves that God is watching us more than He is watching others. He gives us problems so that we become better persons at each step, only because he knows we are capable enough to be better. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle my dear reader, remember this fact (But I admit that God isn’t perfect, He is just better than us).
If this post is able to start the process of healing atleast one of those lovelorn hearts, I would consider my effort to have not gone in vain. May God bless you and keep watching over you just like that.